Most worthless multi-tool of all time/

[rust in the eye]

This was a well intentioned gift and I almost feel bad mocking it but it is so profoundly useless as to merit comment.
The second picture is the back of the card which indicates by number the 6 functions it claims.Please tell me how either of the bear's toes, or "screwdrivers", #4 & #5 could possibly be deployed as they are both obstructed by other pieces. The graduated slot, or "7 size wrench" as the maker claims, looks incapable of applying any significant purchase to a hex bolt. Maybe that can opener could open a tin of beans but you'd likely ****** your palms doing so. I guess the bottle opener might work but I can do that with a stick.
Is this the essential tool to have at hand while summiting Everest?

If compelled at gunpoint to say something good about this I'd mention that it seems to be made from reasonably strong steel of about .030" so maybe useful as a clumsy spark plug gapper.
The packaging suggests re-cycling. I think I will.

 

[Snip's]

Re-gift it to the person in the office that's always eating your sandwiches in the company refrigerator...

 

[four.cycle]

@rust in the eye -
As a lifelong camper/hiker/backpacker, I feel your pain.
I cannot even count the number of well-intentioned "gifts" I've received over the years that were mind-bogglingly poorly designed or just simply useless - among them a titanium "spork", of all things.
Your "bear" tool is laughingly useless - the only reason to haul a Phillips or a slotted screwdriver into the field is to effect repairs on a gas stove, and there's no way you're going to get at any screw on any MSR or a Coleman Peak1 stove with that gizmo.
As for the "wrench" part, I've seen that same thing on a number of recently-introduced "all in one" gizmos, none of which looked very impressive. That one looks to be even more useless than others I've seen.
The irony is that with that cute bear design and the packaging, people will actually BUY that thing at REI.

 

[bdbecker]

I received one of these a few years ago as a gift...

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MD0MBKI?tag=atomicindus08-20

It's the thought that counts. I've used the bottle opener a few times, but otherwise its just a backpack decoration. Who knows, someday it might get me out of a pinch.

 

[rust in the eye]

Re-gift it to the person in the office that's always eating your sandwiches in the company refrigerator...

As a teen I worked a warehouse job with your typical lunchroom and fridge for the employees. We had "that guy" stealing sandwiches.
Someone(else)made a special sandwich, involving their dog, and left it in the lunchroom fridge. Sure enough it was taken. We never found out who took and ostensibly bit into the sandwich but the thefts stopped.

 

[neophyte]

@rust in the eye -
As a lifelong camper/hiker/backpacker, I feel your pain.
I cannot even count the number of well-intentioned "gifts" I've received over the years that were mind-bogglingly poorly designed or just simply useless - among them a titanium "spork", of all things.
Your "bear" tool is laughingly useless - the only reason to haul a Phillips or a slotted screwdriver into the field is to effect repairs on a gas stove, and there's no way you're going to get at any screw on any MSR or a Coleman Peak1 stove with that gizmo.
As for the "wrench" part, I've seen that same thing on a number of recently-introduced "all in one" gizmos, none of which looked very impressive. That one looks to be even more useless than others I've seen.
The irony is that with that cute bear design and the packaging, people will actually BUY that thing at REI.

How big is your mouth that you can’t get one of those titanium sporks into it ?
I have regular kitchen flatware that contains larger spoons. (And these are not serving spoons)
Also, unlike a lot of sporks, the tines on this design are actually large enough to work, and the “serrated knife edge” isn’t actually sharp enough to cut your lip, unless you sharpen it.

The design is a kludge, but it’s far from the worst kludge as far as cutlery goes.

 

[BrandonV]

That bear tool is way too big to be practical.

They could have moved the Philips bit to its ear and it would be slightly more practical.

 

[rust in the eye]

That bear tool is way too big to be practical.

They could have moved the Philips bit to its ear and it would be slightly more practical.

Or nose.
It would be poetic justice for the guy that designed this to be in a situation requiring a screwdriver or wrench and have only this device to effect a repair.

 

[four.cycle]

@neophyte -

yes, it really IS that sharp on that side with the serrated edge, and yes it really is wider than a standard soup spoon one would find in a set of conventional flatware. uncomfortably wide. the blunted points on the fork's tines made it effectively useless for stabbing and picking up anything other than perhaps watermelon (as though I would carry that in a pack.)
the compass not only didn't show the correct direction, it weighed a few OUNCES - as though it might have been weighted. and it was packaged as something you'd want to attach to a zipper pull?
the aluminum lantern is kind of nifty until you hang it up and the bail gets so hot it melts the nylon strap from which it is hanging from the ceiling of your tent. NOT so nifty.
this junk was part of the **** I gave away in August of 2022 in a house-cleaning rampage.
while we're at it....

wind-up rechargeable lantern/flashlight. weight: 168 grams. (4 ounces) noisy. bulky. takes up the same amount of space as a medium-sized butane stove fuel canister. did I mention it's noisy?
includes a USB cord, though.
still looking for the USB port on my frame pack.....

REI "travel chair" - folds down and packs into its own neat little stuff bag with drawstring closure. Handy! Nice chair if you don't mind having your **** right down on the rocks or sand at the beach. Better than no chair, I guess, if you can't find a dead log or a rock.
Frame is powder-coated tubular steel and weighs a ****** ton - too heavy to carry a couple miles down the beach, for sure. (I like the logs better anyway.)
and finally...
the most useless of useless well-intentioned but never used and given-away gifts:

"TREKMATES" "cooking" system that uses some kind of military-grade chemical packet and water to cause a chemical reaction that creates heat and warms your food. Complete with plastic water bottle, ridiculously heavy containers with snap-on lids, ostensibly designed to be eaten from (okay I guess if you're a stork), and complete instructions in 7 languages.
(this last one sat on the curb for two days before some fool hauled it off.)
YMMV

 

[RTM]

Aw come on. You mean the Sasquatch and separate Dog multi tools are probably useless too?

I see these a decorations for your backpack, that you carry your laptop in to go to work. Nothing useful, but good for a chuckle . Hopefully your gift givers did too.

 

[neophyte]

@neophyte -

yes, it really IS that sharp on that side with the serrated edge, and yes it really is wider than a standard soup spoon one would find in a set of conventional flatware. uncomfortably wide. the blunted points on the fork's tines made it effectively useless for stabbing and picking up anything other than perhaps watermelon (as though I would carry that in a pack.)
the compass not only didn't show the correct direction, it weighed a few OUNCES - as though it might have been weighted. and it was packaged as something you'd want to attach to a zipper pull?
the aluminum lantern is kind of nifty until you hang it up and the bail gets so hot it melts the nylon strap from which it is hanging from the ceiling of your tent. NOT so nifty.
this junk was part of the **** I gave away in August of 2022 in a house-cleaning rampage.
while we're at it....

wind-up rechargeable lantern/flashlight. weight: 168 grams. (4 ounces) noisy. bulky. takes up the same amount of space as a medium-sized butane stove fuel canister. did I mention it's noisy?
includes a USB cord, though.
still looking for the USB port on my frame pack.....

REI "travel chair" - folds down and packs into its own neat little stuff bag with drawstring closure. Handy! Nice chair if you don't mind having your **** right down on the rocks or sand at the beach. Better than no chair, I guess, if you can't find a dead log or a rock.
Frame is powder-coated tubular steel and weighs a ****** ton - too heavy to carry a couple miles down the beach, for sure. (I like the logs better anyway.)
and finally...
the most useless of useless well-intentioned but never used and given-away gifts:

"TREKMATES" "cooking" system that uses some kind of military-grade chemical packet and water to cause a chemical reaction that creates heat and warms your food. Complete with plastic water bottle, ridiculously heavy containers with snap-on lids, ostensibly designed to be eaten from (okay I guess if you're a stork), and complete instructions in 7 languages.
(this last one sat on the curb for two days before some fool hauled it off.)
YMMV

Maybe the sporks vary from batch to batch.
The one I had was not sharp, although some very fine sandpaper, or just rubbing the “sharp edge” against corrugated cardboard for several minutes should fix the “too sharp” issue.

As for the tines.
Most sporks are way worse. Snow Peak for instance, isn’t even a cheap brand.

 

[Old Radar]

This was a well intentioned gift and I almost feel bad mocking it but it is so profoundly useless as to merit comment.

Shine it up, engrave the date and giver's name on it and use it as a Christmas Tree ornament. Then you can relate the story to your yule-time guests.

 

[BrandonV]

Shine it up, engrave the date and giver's name on it and use it as a Christmas Tree ornament. Then you can relate the story to your yule-time guests.

I mean it should also open bottles right?

If the person ever stops by they'll be happy you're using it for something.

 

[Rusted Nut]

That tool would win definitely win the “clever but worthless“ category.

 

[Ricky Joe]

You guys miss the point. Obviously the only truly functional part with any real purpose is the bottle opener. The whole point is to have a wonderful excuse to use the tool for what you can, and not worry about any other incidental problem. I can’t believe you guys are so obtuse!

 

[Meursault74]

As a teen I worked a warehouse job with your typical lunchroom and fridge for the employees. We had "that guy" stealing sandwiches.
Someone(else)made a special sandwich, involving their dog, and left it in the lunchroom fridge. Sure enough it was taken. We never found out who took and ostensibly bit into the sandwich but the thefts stopped.

 

[neophyte]

The screwdriver blades on the bear’s feet could be used on fasteners near the edge of something, so they’re not useless in all situations.
As has been mentioned though, it’s basically a bear shaped bottle opener, with a couple other possible functions if the situation is right.

 

[Nutria]

Engineering the World’s Largest Swiss Army Knife the Wenger Giant

The Wenger Giant is the world’s largest Swiss Army knife, has 141 functions into 87 implements. At 9” wide and 32 oz, you could use it as an anchor for a boat.

partsolutions.com

 

[Nutria]

This was a well intentioned gift and I almost feel bad mocking it but it is so profoundly useless as to merit comment.

It might only be useful for throwing at a bear trying to raid your food.

 

[BrandonV]

As a teen I worked a warehouse job with your typical lunchroom and fridge for the employees. We had "that guy" stealing sandwiches.
Someone(else)made a special sandwich, involving their dog, and left it in the lunchroom fridge. Sure enough it was taken. We never found out who took and ostensibly bit into the sandwich but the thefts stopped.

My mom used to make my dad these Italian deli sandwiches when the nuclear powerplant was under construction.

The plant was around 3 hours roundtrip from the house back in the 1970s.

Everyday (not just one time) some jerk would take his sandwich and he'd go hungry. There was nothing around for miles.

I guess one day he said he took a whole bottle or two of liquid exlax and mixed it into the mayo.

The theft stopped.

 

[jeffmoss26]

I have fond memories of this from my childhood. It wasn’t a particularly good tool but it reminds me of helping my dad when I was little!

 

[AA/FC]

I've posted this picture on Garage Journal in the past..... This tool hangs on the wall in my shop. It's from the "100 Yen" store in Japan. (like our Dollar stores) A friend of mine picked it up for me when he visited Japan 15-20 years ago.

 

[i7083]

@jeffmoss26 - My mom had one like that. Random memories...

 

[BrandonV]

I've posted this picture on Garage Journal in the past..... This tool hangs on the wall in my shop. It's from the "100 Yen" store in Japan. (like our Dollar stores) A friend of mine picked it up for me when he visited Japan 15-20 years ago.

Honestly that doesn't look THAT bad. I figure the one time you'll need it Murphy's law will show up and the bolt you'll need to loosen/tighten will be in an area totally unreachable with that huge thing!

 

[sherlocktk]

@rust in the eye -
As a lifelong camper/hiker/backpacker, I feel your pain.
I cannot even count the number of well-intentioned "gifts" I've received over the years that were mind-bogglingly poorly designed or just simply useless - among them a titanium "spork", of all things.
Your "bear" tool is laughingly useless - the only reason to haul a Phillips or a slotted screwdriver into the field is to effect repairs on a gas stove, and there's no way you're going to get at any screw on any MSR or a Coleman Peak1 stove with that gizmo.
As for the "wrench" part, I've seen that same thing on a number of recently-introduced "all in one" gizmos, none of which looked very impressive. That one looks to be even more useless than others I've seen.
The irony is that with that cute bear design and the packaging, people will actually BUY that thing at REI.

I have that same spork for backpacking/camping and I love it. Its not great at anything but good enough to only need 1 thing.

 

[Junkdrawer Dog]

SAK and a small pair of Cobras for the win.

 

[dscheidt]

@neophyte -

I had a compass just like that for years. It did point the right direction, at least. i had it on the parka I wore driving a tow truck, the carabiner was great for clipping customer car keys to, instead of having to remember which pocket they went into.

 

[Grokew]

I have fond memories of this from my childhood. It wasn’t a particularly good tool but it reminds me of helping my dad when I was little!

I love those, as fidget toys. With a few modifications, and a bit better construction they could be a great tool.

 

[RalphInCA]

among them a titanium "spork", of all things.

I like my titanium spork!

I fully understand that it is not saving me any significant weight, and certainly cost more than it’s worth, but it gives me a psychological boost, deep back in the woods when I’ve finally put down the pack.

Although my muscles may be extremely weak, at least my brain thinks I’ve done everything I can to reduce the load.

That makes it worth it

 

[four.cycle]

I have that same spork for backpacking/camping and I love it. Its not great at anything but good enough to only need 1 thing.

During a "weight reduction rampage", I had my buddy bring his triple-beam over and we spent a few hours measuring every single item out of my pack to the tenth of a gram.
I drink tea with sugar in the field, which makes having a spoon kind of handy. stainless steel spoons out of household flatware sets are pretty heavy, so I carry a lightweight plastic spoon.
Plastic forks aren't much use for anything other than eating small pieces of cake at wedding receptions. Fortunately some stainless flatware sets include extremely light salad forks, so I carry one of those if I'm cooking red meat. (Can't eat steak with a plastic fork, anyway.) Otherwise plastic fork works. (the one pictured below probably came from REI.)

I had a compass just like that for years. It did point the right direction, at least.

Lucky you. I cannot afford to take chances a flakey compass off trail. I carry a Silva.

That Japan-made bicycle wrench looks very similar Alvin Musselman's 1940 design, which was kinda-sorta copied by a number of other outfits.

I’ve done everything I can to reduce the load.

not until you've shortened and drilled holes in your toothbrush handle.

 

[RalphInCA]

not until you've shortened and drilled holes in your toothbrush handle.

I’ve done that. I also carry dehydrated water.