I need some advice. Help please.

[jbailly]

Hi all,
Some of you may remember a similar thread recently. Let me explain my situation a little. My wife and I moved in with her Dad 3 years ago to be closer to work and to help out on his 260 acre farm. The idea was to take an already seperate 2 acre parcel and build a house on. Part of the problem is her Grandmothers name is on the deed and there is some bad blood as she tried to screw her son my Father in law and now no one talks. So he is just planning on waiting for her to die to solve the problems between them. Between me now feeling like a identured servant, not having alot of free time to do what I what to do. I need to do something because our 2nd child is due in August and we are out of room and I have thought about divorce it has gotten that bad. It doesn't help that we can't sell our existing house an hour away. I know just move back there, but it is almost too small and we moved to eliminate that drive. It looks like even if I sold all my toys (1969 Cutlass, Harley, Guns, actual toys) we would still need around 20k to be able to afford another house comfortably. I don't know what to do. Please give an opinion. Sorry about the book.
Jon

 

[38Chevy454]

Are you getting any money for the farm help you provide? Or getting free rent and utilities? That sounds like the root of your problem, working for free?

Your FIL is taking advantage of you by holding this 2 acres of land over you. Waiting for someone to die is foolish, the old lady could change her will so that it goes to someone else.

Unless you have not mentioned it, nowhere in your post does it say you and your wife are having troubles. Your troubles are with your FIL taking advantage of you. Maybe your wife is nto willing to stand up for you and your immediate family. She needs to put your family first. That could mean moving out, not necessarily to your old house, but to another place that is not in your in-laws house.

 

[jbailly]

No money for the help, but free rent and utilities. We buy groceries alot of the time and pay some of his random bills when he is short which is part of the problem as well. Last year we paid for his satellite tv for about 6 months, granted we were watching it as well, but he bought it LONG before we moved in and I hardly ever had control over what was watched. The wife and I aren't really having problems, but it seems like since we moved in any house cleaning skills she had went out the window. Dishes piled up in the sink for 3-4 days even with a dish washer, laundry piled up for weeks until no clean clothes are left and the do 5-6 loads of laundry in one day to catch up, the floors next to never get swept and the carpet is fairly new >3 years. We need to move out, but can't seem to make it work no matter how hard we try.
Jon

 

[pmiranda]

1. YOUR family first. That means your wife, you, and your children. Everything else is secondary IMO. I'm sure you appreciate the opportunity to live "free" nearer to work, the chance at getting that land cheap/free in the future, and you want to be able to help out her family and their farm, but you didn't marry them, you married her. Tell her what's important to you. Ask what's important to her. Leave kiddo #1 with the in-laws, take her out to dinner and have a real discussion about what you two want and how you can get there.

2. Why can't you sell the house you own but aren't living in? Is the market that bad? Upside down on the loan? Even if you get nothing from it, a short sale should free up money you're probably paying now on taxes and time it takes to keep it up.

3. Does your wife get along with grandma? If it's her parcel, she's the one you need to iron things out with. If that can't happen, forget it and move on. Make your own way.

4. Things might seem insurmountable now, but there is always a way out. Sell what you have to sell. Stand up to your in laws. Tell them you have to keep your little family strong and if the situation is standing in the way your little family has to move on. If they can't respect that, too bad for them. You might have to move far away for work, but you have to have a plan for your family's success.

All just my opinion. We live hours away from any family and it isn't always easy but we're proud to make it on our own. We appreciate it when family can help us out but we don't want to depend on it. Not all people agree with that, it's just my perspective, and my wife agrees. You've got to get your wife 100% on board with whatever your plan is. If you do that, you'll be fine. (Possibly poor and living in a crappy apartment for a while, but sometimes that's marriage and most people can handle some temporary pain if they know it's temporary

 

[jbailly]

This was supposed to be "temporary", but 3 years is more than temporary. We are upside down on the house we own as the housing market ***** for sellers. I have tried to convince her to just sell it and if we have to sell things to make up the difference that's what we will do. It just seems like no matter what suggestion I make it falls on deaf ears. Maybe not, but that is the way it feels. I feel as though I am trapped and have no real good way out and I can't hardly take it any more. It seems as if she is in love with the situation no matter how much it irrates me.

 

[Kels]

Wow, I feel for you. We lived with my MIL for about a year while we worked with insurance and built our house. My MIL was awesome they where nice and all but it was TOO close, I felt trapped no freedom very unhappy didn't feel like I could really be myself at ??home??. My husband didn't have half the hard time I did my guess is it was his family.

Just letting you know I have been there. But I am amazed your both still sane after 3 years!

We did find that doing thing outside of the house helped some. Movies, hikes, etc just go for walks together.

I hope you figure a way to work this out keep looking for places to rent or something maybe you'll come across a good deal.

GL!

 

[skippy24]

1. YOUR family first. That means your wife, you, and your children. Everything else is secondary IMO. I'm sure you appreciate the opportunity to live "free" nearer to work, the chance at getting that land cheap/free in the future, and you want to be able to help out her family and their farm, but you didn't marry them, you married her. Tell her what's important to you. Ask what's important to her. Leave kiddo #1 with the in-laws, take her out to dinner and have a real discussion about what you two want and how you can get there.

2. Why can't you sell the house you own but aren't living in? Is the market that bad? Upside down on the loan? Even if you get nothing from it, a short sale should free up money you're probably paying now on taxes and time it takes to keep it up.

3. Does your wife get along with grandma? If it's her parcel, she's the one you need to iron things out with. If that can't happen, forget it and move on. Make your own way.

4. Things might seem insurmountable now, but there is always a way out. Sell what you have to sell. Stand up to your in laws. Tell them you have to keep your little family strong and if the situation is standing in the way your little family has to move on. If they can't respect that, too bad for them. You might have to move far away for work, but you have to have a plan for your family's success.

All just my opinion. We live hours away from any family and it isn't always easy but we're proud to make it on our own. We appreciate it when family can help us out but we don't want to depend on it. Not all people agree with that, it's just my perspective, and my wife agrees. You've got to get your wife 100% on board with whatever your plan is. If you do that, you'll be fine. (Possibly poor and living in a crappy apartment for a while, but sometimes that's marriage and most people can handle some temporary pain if they know it's temporary

^^^This. At the end of the day the ones you need to take care of and answer to are your wife and kids if you have any. It seems as if you are digging a deeper hole that will be harder to get out of the longer you are in your situation. Your wife's grandmother can change her will or sign the deed over to anyone else before it comes to your possession. In my opinion the stress you are putting yourself under is not worth 2 acres of land.

 

[EOC_Jason]

If you don't own the land with it in YOUR name, I wouldn't build a pile of rocks on it!

It sounds like you are getting the raw end of the deal out on the farm. Moving back into your house and finding a job local to that seems the best course of action.

If you are really in deep on the house, talk to your mortgage company. Many people got hit with home loans that far surpass what their current home value is. Some people have been able to negotiate it down to a more reasonable amount. You never know.

Take your wife on a weekend get-away, just the two of you. Sometimes people just need to get away for a while from the usual rut...

 

[pmiranda]

I still think your solution starts with a good 1:1 conversation with your wife, out of the house, and with a solid couple of undistracted hours available. Assume nothing about what she's thinking, just say what's bothering you in the nicest way possible. Don't sugar coat anything but you want to avoid being mean about her or her family. Ask what's bothering her (if anything) about the situation. Ask what she wants to be doing in five years.
I'm assuming she's OK with waiting it indefinitely and wants to live on the family land the rest of her years, but I'd say if she wants that to happen she needs to step up and make peace with grandma.
One last thought: Beware pregnancy hormones. Even the most rational women can get thrown off by them. Choose your battles, time them well.
But that's just my opinion... I could end up sleeping on the couch tonight myself

 

[Chaznsc]

You will get a million opinions, but those only exist inside the responders head. You mist express this to your wife as soon and as kindly as possible. Write her a letter and read it to her of that helps, stay on point no matter what.

 

[54FordPanel]

You can't afford to build a house on the 2 acres anyway, right? If you can't sell your house because you're upside down, then there is no money to build another house.

So forget the 2 acres. Forget about the Grandma dying soon, then you'd have 2 acres. It wouldn't matter anyway.

Now it comes down to living at your FILs, and working for rent. While your house sits empty. Has it been empty for 3 years? And you're still making payments on it? I don't understand that part of it.

Do you own it free and clear? Are you renting it? Are you making payments? You said you were underwater on it, so you must be making payments. Unless you're renting it out and getting money for that, living where you are makes no sense, driving time included.

 

[jbailly]

We still owe money and do have a renter which is helping, but we can't rent it for the whole mortgage. The whole situation ***** right now. I gave up on the 2 acres a while ago I just included that to kind of let you guys know a little about the situation. I had a me day yesterday on the Harley and that helped cool me off for a little bit, but it won't last.

 

[Kevin54]

Lets see.....dear old dad has a 260 acre farm, you're living with him, you're paying some of his bills and such in turn for free rent, but you're also working the farm to offset that. Now you and the wife don't get along, you have one child, and another on the way.

Dude, you're screwed until you go out on the farm and find some bull nuts to replace the ones you lost. I'm guessing you are mid 20's to early 30's in age. You made some bad decisions in the past, now everything is catching up. Walk away from the house you have and let the bank have it, or get a different Realtor and push her to make a Short Sale on the house with the bank. Get out from under the current house, then find something you can afford and get the wife out from under daddy's wing.

If the wife cares more for you than daddy, she'll agree. You evidently care for her because you have one child and another in the oven. But you need to grow some balls and quit cowering down, or going out on the farm talking to yourself, getting pissed, and getting nowhere but more discouraged. You ACT like you're willing to walk away from your life with the wife, but not willing to walk away from your own house. Priorities man, get your priorities straight. Sit down with the wife, and her dad, and even if you have to borrow the balls of a field mouse, have a family conversation and get **** straightened out. Tell dear old dad how you feel. Tell wifey how you feel. And don't forget, child #2 is coming soon. For one, there are raging hormones with the wife, so no name calling. You will be obligated to your two children no matter what. And if you're waiting on someone to kick the bucket for two lousy acres.......forget it. Make your own damn bed and don't depend on others. Like I said, go get some bull nuts, but if that don't work, grab the field mouse and use his, but you gotta get some nuts about you and stand up and do what is right

 

[jbailly]

Thanks for that. Yes I am 34. I would walk away from our current house, but I don't want to screw up my credit. We are probably going to relist it soon with a new realtor and a reduced price. Maybe that will help. I have been praying for a solution for quite some time.

 

[CarCrafter]

Lets see.....dear old dad has a 260 acre farm, you're living with him, you're paying some of his bills and such in turn for free rent, but you're also working the farm to offset that. Now you and the wife don't get along, you have one child, and another on the way.

Dude, you're screwed until you go out on the farm and find some bull nuts to replace the ones you lost. I'm guessing you are mid 20's to early 30's in age. You made some bad decisions in the past, now everything is catching up. Walk away from the house you have and let the bank have it, or get a different Realtor and push her to make a Short Sale on the house with the bank. Get out from under the current house, then find something you can afford and get the wife out from under daddy's wing.

If the wife cares more for you than daddy, she'll agree. You evidently care for her because you have one child and another in the oven. But you need to grow some balls and quit cowering down, or going out on the farm talking to yourself, getting pissed, and getting nowhere but more discouraged. You ACT like you're willing to walk away from your life with the wife, but not willing to walk away from your own house. Priorities man, get your priorities straight. Sit down with the wife, and her dad, and even if you have to borrow the balls of a field mouse, have a family conversation and get **** straightened out. Tell dear old dad how you feel. Tell wifey how you feel. And don't forget, child #2 is coming soon. For one, there are raging hormones with the wife, so no name calling. You will be obligated to your two children no matter what. And if you're waiting on someone to kick the bucket for two lousy acres.......forget it. Make your own damn bed and don't depend on others. Like I said, go get some bull nuts, but if that don't work, grab the field mouse and use his, but you gotta get some nuts about you and stand up and do what is right

I'll also add, get yourself a copy of the Total Money Makeover from Dave Ramsey and start reading it every chance you get. Tune in to his radio show if you can. Don't fall for some stupid dangling carrot of 2 acres in front of you. Sell your "stuff" and build up a war chest and fight this battle head on. Its just "stuff" unless there is special sentimental value to it. When you can afford to buy "stuff" back later in life, you will. Your kids will grow up to appreciate knowing that their dad put the family's needs before his own personal desires. It doesn't sound like you are in any position to OWN a home, you're more likely to be OWNED by a home. Hows it feel to be trapped under the other house again? Want a repeat? Forget about owning a home for now, just rent. Find an apartment, a cheap farm house, anything. Formulate a plan that will lead you to winning. Live like no one else so later you can LIVE like no one else!!! Good luck.

 

[2CRUZ]

Lets see.....dear old dad has a 260 acre farm, you're living with him, you're paying some of his bills and such in turn for free rent, but you're also working the farm to offset that. Now you and the wife don't get along, you have one child, and another on the way.

Dude, you're screwed until you go out on the farm and find some bull nuts to replace the ones you lost. I'm guessing you are mid 20's to early 30's in age. You made some bad decisions in the past, now everything is catching up. Walk away from the house you have and let the bank have it, or get a different Realtor and push her to make a Short Sale on the house with the bank. Get out from under the current house, then find something you can afford and get the wife out from under daddy's wing.

If the wife cares more for you than daddy, she'll agree. You evidently care for her because you have one child and another in the oven. But you need to grow some balls and quit cowering down, or going out on the farm talking to yourself, getting pissed, and getting nowhere but more discouraged. You ACT like you're willing to walk away from your life with the wife, but not willing to walk away from your own house. Priorities man, get your priorities straight. Sit down with the wife, and her dad, and even if you have to borrow the balls of a field mouse, have a family conversation and get **** straightened out. Tell dear old dad how you feel. Tell wifey how you feel. And don't forget, child #2 is coming soon. For one, there are raging hormones with the wife, so no name calling. You will be obligated to your two children no matter what. And if you're waiting on someone to kick the bucket for two lousy acres.......forget it. Make your own damn bed and don't depend on others. Like I said, go get some bull nuts, but if that don't work, grab the field mouse and use his, but you gotta get some nuts about you and stand up and do what is right

Keven is absolutly It is time to "MAN UP".
Win, lose, or draw it is time to get out of there and get out on your own. Tell daddy in law you don't owe him **** and don't pay any more of his bills. Have a talk with your wife and tell her you married her not her family and it is time you and her got and made it on your own.
You and your wife can't live under another mans roof even if it is your father in law. If you can't pay for the other house than let it go back to the bank. You won't be the only ones that have had to do it. Life is too short to live in misery. Son it is your life and you have to take charge if it your self.
It may be tuff for a while but look around you every one else makes it in life
and it is time you did to.

Good Luck

 

[jbailly]

We can afford the house we currently own, but we can't afford another house payment on top of that one. Couldn't seem to find anyone interested after 2 yrs so we took it off the market. I don't think the real estate agent really gave a **** about it. I asked her 3 or 4 times about doing an open house and she never did. I agree we need to get out on our own again. I just don't know how.

 

[Kevin54]

We can afford the house we currently own, but we can't afford another house payment on top of that one. Couldn't seem to find anyone interested after 2 yrs so we took it off the market. I don't think the real estate agent really gave a **** about it. I asked her 3 or 4 times about doing an open house and she never did. I agree we need to get out on our own again. I just don't know how.

If the Realtor won't do an open house, then it's time for a new Realtor when your contract is up.

As far as being able to afford the house but you don't, or didn't, like the drive.....myself, I would rather drive and be happy, then not drive and be a miserable sumbitch day after day. Now you just go around sulking all the time, when you COULD be under your own roof and enjoying a little free "me time" by yourself when driving to and from work.

And if the rent of the house you own isn't at least making the house payment, then it's either time to up the rent, it's time to move back home, or it's time to get a Realtor that will get off their *** and do something. What exactly is keeping it from selling? Other than being underwater on it. Is it the price? Then speak with your Realtor about making or mentioning a "short sale" to some prospective buyers.

What else is wrong with the house and how much activity has there been on it? Is there regular showings, or no one looking at it at all? If no one is showing interest, then you need to spend some time and make the place appealing to potential buyers. Does the house need painted? Is the current tenant a slob that turns people away? Is the house outdated? Is the property appealing from the street or does it look like a shithole outside? Have you thought about making the tenant an offer on buying it? You need to sit with a Realtor and ask a bunch of questions. Maybe the house needs work outside and inside? Do you have Pepto-Bismol Pink walls, neon blue walls, and so on inside? Possibly get rid of the tenant if you can, repaint the complete inside a neutral color. Paint the woodwork a bright white, if it has hardwood floors, polish them up. If it has stinking dingy carpet, replace it with a cheap but new carpet to make it appealing to a buyer. If the outside is grown up, or overgrown with crappy plantings that cover the windows and such, rip them out, plant a bunch of annual flowers to brighten things up, power wash the outside and sidewalks and / or driveway. You want people to drive by and say "now that's a nice looking place and it's also for sale". If the windows don't have any shutters, make some. Three boards up and down and two across, one at the top and one at the bottom, paint them and hang them up. Add a few window boxes with flowers in the front.

The list could go on and on, but it really doesn't take much to spruce up a place.

And like I said, if the tenant isn't paying enough to even make a house payment, then why are you paying for the tenant to live in your house, which is basically what you are doing if you are subsidizing the rest out of your pocket.


These are only $26.95 if it would help Just kidding man, just kidding!!!!

 

[jbailly]

And like I said, if the tenant isn't paying enough to even make a house payment, then why are you paying for the tenant to live in your house, which is basically what you are doing if you are subsidizing the rest out of your pocket.


These are only $26.95 if it would help Just kidding man, just kidding!!!!

[/QUOTE]

The humor is welcome and needed. No offence taken. Not only is she not paying our full mortgage, but she is my wifes best friend. Big mistake she was allowed by my wife to live there for over a year and not pay anything because we had no written contract. So now she owes us some where in the neighborhood of $6,000 which I'm sure we will never see. I just asked my wife if we could relist it and she said, "in the contract with the tenant, as long as the contract exists we will not relist it". Well needless to say I'm not happy. I didn't see that in the contract. My wife wants to keep bending over backwards for the current tenant when all the tenant has done is screw us. Sure she took care of the house, but I don't think that is worth 12+ months of rent. I really feel as though I am between a rock and a hard place. Thanks for the opinions and occasional humor it does help.

 

[EOC_Jason]

I would personally read over the contract to see about things such as:

1. Listing / selling the property (i.e. is it allowed and what happens to the tenant / contract).
2. Terminating the contract (i.e. 30 days notice, penalty, etc...)

I'm not saying I would do anything behind my wife's back, but it wouldn't hurt to at least take a look at it to see what your legal options are.

 

[38Chevy454]

Well, the more I see in the other's replies and your answers, you need to have your wife put your family first. No exception. She is using you. So is your FIL. You need to get out of in-laws house and get your own place for your family. It might be your old house is the best option, sounds like getting far enough away from in-laws is a good thing to do.

Most all rental contracts allow you to sell the house, it is just the new owner may have to honor the contract until it is done. You can also cancel the rental contract if you move back in, most have some provision like this for owner to return. So what if your wife's best friend, she lived for 12 months with no rent???? She has nothing to complain about!

Get a new realtor ASAP, your current one *****. Not even trying, just list it on MLS and let people do the work? Fire her and get someone that is wanting to sell and make money on the comission. Short sale if you have to, but get it sold so you can move on with life.

 

[Kevin54]

Just to be as harsh as possible, and based SOLELY on what you've told us about wife, parental unit and lease;

You're a sperm donor. She appears to have an agenda, or you have inadvertently presented it that way.

Sorry. Just needed to be put out there that you are;
Living at her parents place
Her best friend is in your house
She is combatting you on the listing of the house.
She is combatting you on moving away from the family farm.

As a qualifier;
I am often horribly horribly wrong.

I am not a 'half full/half empty' type of guy.
I am a 'I do not remember the status of my glass and there is the potential that someone PISSED in it while was unattentive' type of guy.

I may not always agree with Duck, but he is spot on with his remarks.

 

[jbailly]

Well I will say that I do feel like I am being fought at every turn. Every suggestion I make seems to be easily shot down for one reason or another. You guys have how I feel pegged pretty good. I don't think this was the intention initially, but this is the path we are on now.

 

[wedge40]

WOW!!!!!!. Sounds like you've gotten yourself in a real big mess and there are no easy answers. I'm horrible at getting and keeping my thoughts together, so in these situations I write down things that need to be addressed. (Lot of Dr's I have to do this with). When emotions are high, I tend to lose focus. Bottom line is jump on the bike, head to an out of way bar with pen, paper and favorite adult beverage and get things down on paper to discuss with the wife. I would be looking at getting the leech out of YOUR house. Re-listing or moving back. You really need find out where the wife stands, could be time to call it quits.

And last but not least, I sure hope everybody involved is using condoms and lube while they screw you over.

Wedge

 

[pendragon1998]

In ecology, we have two sort of similar concepts: ecological traps and or sink habitat. In a nutshell, it's habitat that, on the surface, looks promising to an animal, so the animal moves in and tries to live there and raise a family. Unfortunately, the initially attractive habitat is, in reality, of poor quality for one reason or another, and the animal either fails to be successful, or flat out dies.

That farm is sink habitat. Get out at all costs and drag your family with you, kicking and screaming if need be. Set a deadline and stick to it (i.e., we're moving out in 6 months). Find a realtor that will make that happen.

If 'dad' can't run the farm without free slave labor, then the farm can't support itself and it's a hobby. You are under no obligation to sacrifice your happiness, stability, and family security for your FIL's hobby. Screw your credit if needs be...it will be back in 7 years or so...will your life be intact in 7 years if you are forced to stay on that farm?

 

[pmiranda]

Damn dude, it sounds like everybody in that county is living off your hard work. I say it's time to tell the renter that you can't afford to keep rent that low anymore. You appreciate all the help she's been and blah blah blah, but she needs to pay enough to cover your costs or GTFO. Either way, you win.
Good luck!

 

[spongerich]

Your mortgage is a business arrangement with the bank. Businesses change/cancel/renegotiate contracts every day. Contact them and explain that you can't afford the payments and you'd like to know what your options are for a loan modification and/or a short sale. I'd be very surprised if they aren't willing to work with you. The last thing that the bank wants is a foreclosure... they're in the business of lending money, not owning real estate. The idea that a mortgage is some sort of sacred bond is ********. The bank knew the risks going in, just like you (presumably) did. If you do end up in foreclosure it'll temporarily screw up your credit, but it's not the end of the world... you can rebuild it in a reasonably short time. If you can't get the bank to work with you, spend a few hundred bucks and consult a bankruptcy attorney.. they can advise you of your options and the ramifications and probably save you a lot of money and headaches.

As for your wife, her disinterest in keeping the house clean sounds like a classic case of depression. Insist on seeing a councilor or therapist with her. If she won't go, go by yourself. Depression is a serious medical condition and is very treatable.

 

[CNGsaves]

And like I said, if the tenant isn't paying enough to even make a house payment, then why are you paying for the tenant to live in your house, which is basically what you are doing if you are subsidizing the rest out of your pocket.

The humor is welcome and needed. No offence taken. Not only is she not paying our full mortgage, but she is my wifes best friend. Big mistake she was allowed by my wife to live there for over a year and not pay anything because we had no written contract. So now she owes us some where in the neighborhood of $6,000 which I'm sure we will never see. I just asked my wife if we could relist it and she said, "in the contract with the tenant, as long as the contract exists we will not relist it". Well needless to say I'm not happy. I didn't see that in the contract. My wife wants to keep bending over backwards for the current tenant when all the tenant has done is screw us. Sure she took care of the house, but I don't think that is worth 12+ months of rent. I really feel as though I am between a rock and a hard place. Thanks for the opinions and occasional humor it does help.

Time for both you and wife to pull plug giving free rent to tenant of your house. Immediate written rental agreement with higher rent or evict her (all legal of course with proper notice). Then take her to Small Claims Court to at least get $5,000 (or whatever max is for PA) of the $6,000 rent owed to you. That rent lost would have paid all your commuting expense for past 3 years driving an economy car !!!

Gotta have tenant in that house paying your cash flow needs (ie mortgage payment, insurance and taxes) . . . at bare minimum. You should be MAKING money renting out that house ; the tenant should be paying off that house - - - actually 7 to 10 years and it SHOULD be totally paid off with rental profit. The living "free" at In-laws house isn't free at all and needs resolved ASAP as well.

All around lack of firm hand is dragging you backwards.

Time for bunch of CTJ meetings (come to Jesus). Not fun but necessary. Good luck.

 

[ChevyEFI]

Step 1:
Have an attorney draft a rental contract for your renter. Mention and have them address the little "doesn't pay rent" factor that seems to be part of your non-existent contract with late fees etc.

Step 2:
Decide if you want to screw with the situation or focus on your job. If you want to focus on your job, get a management company to issue the rental contract and wash your hands of the situation. Somewhere in the middle of this step, you will be telling your wife what will be taking place. Not asking. Telling. If you don't know how to do that, talk to a friend who is older than you and learn it.

Step 3: Handle the renting of the house as a series of business decisions instead of a hand-holding feminist exercise class. Run EVERY decision scenario by someone other than you and your wife. "We were thinking of increasing rent 3% come January. Our current mortgage and rent income from the property are $x and $x. Should we? What else about the contract should we update?"

Step 4: Sit down with someone such as an accountant who can help you calculate whether your free rent & hours you put into it are actually a better decision than just paying rent somewhere even closer to work and having time free to live your life.

Step 5: Talk to her Dad about the decision you've made. Most angles are simpler when you cut yourself free of the whole scenario rather than trying to bargain with him to change aspects of it.

Step 6: Somewhere in the midst of this one, you'll be making a major decision for your wife and yourself. What you need to do is resolve all possible scenarios as you see them and how she may see them. She will come at you with emotion and you will retort with facts and decisions. In the end, she will leave you or stay with you. And in either case, if you act like a man, she will respect you. And that's what you need at this point more than a lot of other things.

Parents with real estate have a high potential to play emotional accounting games in order to take advantage of others. It is for this reason you need to lay out what your expectations are and stick to them when moving forward with any future agreements. "Help me out with the farm" is WAY too broad and can only balloon to his benefit. "Harvest crop A seasonally, crop B twice seasonally, and watch after livestock C year round" is defined and can be resolved to a value that you may feel is a reasonable offset of rent etc.

Don't leave open holes like paying for utilities at random. Your wife may have grown up with B.S. economics like that, as learned from him. Be a leader in your marriage and don't set yourself up for setting another bad example in her life, nor accepting bad ones from others either. Again, this is a respect factor. I have to tell my wife something, explain why it is what it is, and she will ignore me. Then about 6 months later, it will sink in and she'll stop driving 60 miles round trip to shop and save on groceries an amount that is 100% offset by the fuel and time spent.

 

[cameby]

I've been in a similiar situation to yours. Bottom line: daughters and fathers have a strange relationship. They can make you the third wheel in your own house. Lose him.

 

[spongerich]

The idea that a WRITTEN PROMISE is some sort of sacred bond is ********.

Fixed that for you so we'll understand the ideology.
I don't think I'll be lending you any tools....

Your interpretation of a business contract seems a bit narrow and frankly inaccurate. The mortgage clearly specifies the terms of repayment, which includes the right of the lien holder to foreclose to recoup the outstanding balance. Banks regularly offer loan modifications to avoid foreclosure because they decide that its in their best interest to do so, rather than foreclose. In many cases, borrowers are paying for mortgage insurance which the bank will gladly collect on if it becomes necessary. Borrowing personal property is a completely different proposition than entering into a contract with a corporation.

Corporations walk away from contracts every day when it makes good business sense to do so. Not only is it a perfectly legitimate thing to so, in some cases it's the right thing to do since a corporation's responsibility is to their shareholders. I'd argue that it's an individual's responsibility to take care of their family's financial health. Leveraging the terms that the bank already agreed to in advance is one way of accomplishing this.

 

[Clubber]

You said that every time you make a suggestion it falls on deaf ears. I'd say its time to take back wearing the pants in the family and make a decision for the family. She will either come with you or stay with daddy, either way, you will have your answer as to where she places you in her life. It may hurt if she leaves you but that will then be her choice and your heart will be clean. You will still have responsibilities to your children that she may hold over you, but don't let it stop you. My hope and prayer is that she gets behind your decision. Also, find a money management program and stick to it. Dave Ramsy is a great one I highly recommend. His website has a list of realters around the country who are highly motivated sellers, you might look into that. My 2 cents worth only. I lived with my in laws for a little while when my wife found out she had cancer right after we let let our duplex apartment go to take a new job. Plans changed suddenly, thankfully she survived it, it was rough at in laws. Later we moved my parents into our home for several years, when they finally got their own apartment it was a HUGE relief. We love them, but that's easier with them in their own place. All I can say is we have our sanity back, our marriage is stronger than ever and that's more precious than any acreage or home or possession.

 

[jbailly]

Well I think a little update is in order here. My wife's best friend is STILL living in our house although she has started paying the rent and has for about 4 months now. She still owes us a ton of money which I probably will never see. As far as the other situation...we were told Friday that there were times when he doesn't want us there. I'm sorry but I'm a 100% kind of guy if you don't want me there even 10% of the time that isn't good enough. So we stayed the weekend at my mother-in-laws place, but went back to his house Sunday night. He never told us we had to leave, but I WILL not stay somewhere I am not wanted. Sorry, but screw that. So now we are in a real pickle. We have a new baby due in 2 weeks on top of everything else. I really think and I tried to stress this over the weekend to my wife that we NEED to be on our own ASAP. If that means a short sale or selling the other house for less than what we owe, oh well. I am considering trying to get both mine and my wife's jobs transfered and move away. Being that we work for the State that is an option not an easy one, but it is an option.
Jon

 

[4xdog]

...It just seems like no matter what suggestion I make it falls on deaf ears...

Someone said something to me years ago that's stuck: "I can't stand people who are unhappy and won't do anything about it".

As clubber noted, it's time for you to stop making suggestions and start making decisions.