I need your opinion. Please read!

[jbailly]

Hi all,
I need your valuable advice on a matter. My wife and I need to get a house of our own as we have been living with her Dad for 4 years now and helping him with his 260 acre farm with thoughts of it some day being ours. Now if you have seen my older posts about this situation it hasn't always been the best, but now I am going to be trying to get custody of my other son from my ex as she has let him fail 7th grade twice. Anyway with 3 boys ages 14, 2, and 9 months we need a place of our own. Would you; A) build a house or or modular on the farm or B) build or buy off the farm? And if off the farm how far away? My Dad's place which has been in his family for 150 years and was built by his Grandparents is 100 miles away, plus my Dad will be 79 this year and he would LOVE the help.
I know this is a lot to process, but hopefully the vast knowledge that is this forum can and will help.
Thanks tons,
Jon

 

[Zeke]

I'll help you, but not how you expect. Your ex did not let your son fail 7th grade twice. He did that himself. Now he may need some help, but not the kind that involves courts and expensive lawyers. Take that money and instead get him some help. Contact the school where he attends. I'm sure they will be willing to help the boy out if you participate. You are his father and you have that right.

 

[MScott]

If you decide to build on the farm make absolutely sure you get a severed lot with separate title. I have a cousin who built a house on his wife's father's property. She decided she wanted a divorce and he was left with nothing since the property was not in their joint names. I certainly hope this doesn't happen to you but being prepared for the worst is a wise move.

 

[rsanter]

Do you have siblings?
If you do not I would rather spend my money building or putting a place on my own dad's property. If you dad is going to be cool with that...that's the direction.

If you have siblings then talk with them about it and get their approval first as the property will be split one day

If you do put a place on HER dad's property then make sure it is nothing more that a mobile home so you have the option to move it and keep it as a mobile ( don't incorperate it into the property and property taxes)

For your son. I have to agree that he failed the grades but you have to ask why. If it was me I would talk to your X and get her to agree that you are going to help him and that the best way would be for him to live with you so you can be there and in charge. Tell her you will do that without any change in custody ruling but will do it as just a part of your time with him.
Then
Document everything, time spent with you, date he moves in with you, what his grades were and then help him get them up. Then in the end if there is a fight you can show he is better with you than with her. Do an end run around her if she is a problem

Bob

 

[PelicanPines]

Tough call... Her dad's farm or your dad. Both have merit. The farm could be your future, your dad is the now.

Life is so uncertain, I would tend to pick your dad 100 miles away.

I totally agree with Zeke. Spend that lawyer money on the betterment of the son you have with your ex. It's not her fault... it's his. He needs the fix and that can be gotten from outside help.

 

[chipper]

My MIL is a high school history teacher and she has seniors that CAN'T READ!!! They are pushing these kids through and looking the other way...that said I think you would have to try pretty hard to fail a grade twice unless its an attendance issue...good luck I have two babies and am dreading teen years

 

[larry_g]

It's a tough call. I jsut went through something like this. A few years back when my father needed help and could not live alone my wife and I bought a manufactured home and put it on his place. We did this with the knowledge and support of my siblings. The farm paid for all the infrastructure and we paid for the house and it was titled in our name. Fast forward to settling the estate and one brother said he would not accept land and that it must be sold and the money split equally. Luckily the trust that my parents set up was so written that he had to accept title to land and we did not have to meet his wishes. We now have title to the land where our home is.

So as said above look at what will happen when the land passes, or dad/FIL decides to sell. Make sure that dad or FIL have your interests at heart and trusts or wills are set up to protect you and your investments. Hopefully you have a relationship with both parents that allows you to have some frank conversations with then regarding this. If you cannot get them to talk frankly about this then we are no better at reading their minds than you are. Big question here is is how many siblings are in the picture that expect something?

Are you making YOUR living off the land or are you living there and working in town helping out on the farm when you can? It may make a difference in how your parents decide to leave your inheritance to you. Is the FIL grooming you to take over the farm, or does he see you as free labor when he can get you to work and the rest of the time as a freeloader mooching off his daughter? Tough questions I know and probably many positions in between the extremes but YOU have to know where you stand with you dad or FIL.

lg
no neat sig line

 

[kd3pc]

Just went through this with the In-laws....FiL says to both of us (Me and his daughter) live here 3 years, fix the place up, beat the weeds back and the house and 9 acres are yours, deeded free and clear.

2 years, 10 months in to the deal...the MiL says the wife's niece is in a pickle and needs a place to live, with her hoard. (The niece has worked a sum total of about 8 months in her entire life, she is approaching 40 fast. Four kids by three different guys, etc, etc). I told her you all would be out in 30 days...I hope you can find a nice place.

Family is really weird now days, I found out that the FiL talks a big talk....but the MiL sets the rules. All he would do is look away, and say he was sorry. He did lend me his truck for us to move. But we had to leave quite a bit of stuff there for the niece to now own. 30 days is not a lot of time to do what we had to do.

So be careful and were it me, I would not build an outhouse on someone else's property and expect to have it after they die or divorce. These things just don't end well. Get your own lot, your own house and keep your distance, it is easy to get sucked in to the "dis-inherit" threats or "this will all be yours one day". After it is all said and done, your property/house will be clear of the storm.

We did get moved, 10 hours away from the whole side of the family, and other than the stuff left behind. It is OVER. I sleep at night, well.

All the best what ever you decide.

 

[Danver]

We did get moved, 10 hours away from the whole side of the family, and other than the stuff left behind. It is OVER. I sleep at night, well.

I would have at least felt a little guilty about accidentally leaving that candle burning so close to the window curtains when I left for the last time.

 

[Automobilist]

In my experience, having raised three excellent young adult kids, it's best to cut the apron strings and make your own life. My idea of hell would be living in a mobile / manufactured / tin box on "family" land. You've already been divorced once, and likely will divorce the current wife (statistically...) Get your own place. Raise your own family. Take responsibility for your son's education.

 

[Automobilist]

Forgot the most important part:

You're a fool if you take "life" advice from folks on the internet that you don't know, and that don't know you. An online forum is NOT the place to get answers to these very personal issues. Find someone who knows your situation, and also is successful at the game of life.

Now, if you have a question about what compressor to buy, this is the place...

 

[dlcwent]

Document everything, time spent with you, date he moves in with you, what his grades were and then help him get them up. Then in the end if there is a fight you can show he is better with you than with her. Do an end run around her if she is a problem

Bob

This...and do it religiously.

 

[Forest Road]

Whatever you do have an attorney review everything. Be sure to get a severed lot and cover your *** legally. Love is blind. Go into all real estate transactions eyes wide open.

 

[BFBOB]

...since you asked...

I'd have made darned sure not to add any more children while living with the inlaws.

Yeah, I know. Too late now.

 

[HoosierMark]

With the changes in living arrangements you are proposing, why not just rent. It lets you try a different life style with minimal risk. You need to stabilize your life first if you are taking on added parental responsibilities, then think of buying a house. You do not mention if your son lives in the same area as you are in now or elsewhere which is also a factor. It is easy to buy a house, easy to move, etc, the tough part is to deal with family and holding it all together, do what is most important first, solidfy the family unit. Dad may miss you helping out and oppurtunities will arise when he realizes he needs you. Rent first to test the waters of a move.

 

[Spareparts]

When your parent's or MIL/FIL passes on you will fine the real truth about "Family Ties"

 

[rburke65]

My wife is an attorney and you would not believe the stories she could tell you about families fighting after the deaths of mom and dad where money is involved. They fight over insignificant ****. Good luck to you.

 

[jbailly]

First I wasn't married to my oldest son's mother. Second I guess I'm being groomed to take over the farm, but I'm not sure I want to. My Dad's place (50 acres vs. 260 acres) has more sentimental value to me being that my Great Grandparents built the house and barn plus the fact that my Dad and his brothers were quite literally born in that house. My oldest son actually lives not too far from my Mom and Dad. I know this is probably the last place I should be getting advice like this, but I really don't know where to turn. I was hoping for some people who may of had a similar situation which so far I got a couple of those.
Thanks,
Jon

 

[RobSmith]

I'll help you, but not how you expect. Your ex did not let your son fail 7th grade twice. He did that himself. Now he may need some help, but not the kind that involves courts and expensive lawyers. Take that money and instead get him some help. Contact the school where he attends. I'm sure they will be willing to help the boy out if you participate. You are his father and you have that right.

Hmmmm the kid is influenced by his environment...If **** is going on ..he will be absorbing that and he wont be focusing on learning...like you said he doesn't need legal help...he needs some love and assurance that it's there forever.