The Adventure of Destiny...in Michigan.
In the age of high seas adventures, there was but one man who ruled the seas above all else - Captain
Stink Eye. The most feared
pirate throughout the world, Captain Stink Eye and his crew, aboard the infamous '
Pink Flamingo', would terrorize man and beast alike, caring none for the difference.
It has been said that to stand up to Stink Eye meant certain death, as his objectors soon learned. For legend has it that Stink Eye had eaten the fabled
Lipgloss of Lasador, giving him the ability to shoot bolts of fire out of his eye whenever twitched or squinted - fire from hell itself, some would say, that could roast a man like melting
marshmallow peeps with a
flamethrower.
In every town that Stink Eye pillaged, survivors always recounted the same story - Stink Eye would torch every dock, every hut, every outpost, every barn, every bunker, every tower, every shack and every outhouse, without hesitation, with the exception of any office building or cubicle.
"Destroy everything, men!" Stink Eye would holler and laugh, but then his voice would drop low, "But save those partitioned walls and desk drawers for me...and me alone."
Were it not for the brave souls who courageously ran, Stink Eye's exploits would disappear into the annals of time, forever to remain a mystery. Yet time after time, town after town, his command never changed...or faltered. After 23 long years, his motives quickly became clear. Stink Eye wanted what every man wanted, what every man lusted after, far above endless supply of treasure or fame. He was searching for the magic talisman, the
Swingline Stapler (*cue thunder).
Have you not heard of such an artifact? Read on, if ye dare.
The magic talisman, The Swingline Stapler (*cue thunder), was said to make the holy grail look like just an empty cup.
It was said to put flesh back on the bones of a man.
It was said to be able to get the Broncos to the playoffs.
The Swingline Stapler (*cue thunder) was said to possess the ultimate ability - the ability to give it to a man, let him keep it just long enough to make him think it was his, then upon sudden removal from said man, drive him stark raving mad.
Such a magnificent object of power could not be allowed to fall into the hands of such a man as Stink Eye, for he could have but one goal were he to attain it - make a gigantic copy to give to the whole world, then suddenly take it away from them, driving the whole world mad. If such a plan came to fruition, the world would be his.
'The Man with the Armadillo Backpack'
In another part of the world, customary festivities were underway. In the town of Handmesomespam, the longest running, and most controversial pastime due to the casualty rate, was the annual 'Test of Strength' contest. Warriors from all the surrounding lands came to test their worth. The event started off fairly light with the grizzly bear tackle. From there, it progressed and became increasingly difficult, with the 'sun stare' and 'whittle without cutting your finger' challenges. The ultimate test of manhood, though, was the final contest:
mud wrestling with the Goliath Ferret. The Goliath Ferret was the Tyranasaurus Rex of all rodent-like animals, gaining its strength from its hard, dull, grey coat, lack of sheen, and powerful ability to collect dirt and oil.
In all the years of the contest, not once had the Goliath Ferret been bested. Like previous years, the strongest of men, passing through all other events with ease, cowered before the Goliath Ferret. One attempted to fight the mammoth beast, arming himself with a 41% diluted mix of mystery 'U-Mix It' potion in one hand, hoping to dilute the monster's power, and stain in the other, hoping to mask the creature's razor sharp senses. In a valiant undertaking, flowing with the blood of warriors from the great ancestral lineage...he was promptly beat down. The Goliath Ferret laughed with a deep, thunderous tone that clawed at the sky.
A man, off in the distance, approached closer, a small dust cloud rising from his cracked leather boots as they pounded at the dirt in the road.
"Who's left?" the Goliath Ferret snarled, "Isn't there anyone???"
The man approached closer still.
The Goliath Ferret gloated. "It looks like the weaklings have all had their fun. Me, winner! You, losers! You can never compete against my oily grey coat of destruction! Its like asking to be laughed at for your incredible suckage! Ahahaha!"
The man, passing right in front of the Goliath Ferret sitting in his mud pit, turned towards the monstrosity.
"Oh, hamster of doom, has no one been able to tame that ugly coat that you wear so proudly? Let it be known, on this day, you will have turned from your gray blandness and be born anew."
The Ferret looked at him, chuckled for a moment, then lowered his voice.
"You talk pretty big, but can you back it up? My name is Nasto the Dull. At least tell me your name so I can remember the guy whose face I pounded in on this wonderfully gray, porous day."
"My name is
MaGyver the Great, a name of destiny. I was searching for Season 8, but before I knew it, I came upon this town, and heard of the injustice you spread." He then gestured to his backpack. This is
Pilgrim, my faithful
armadillo backpack...and my companion." A tear formed in the corner of his eye.
Composing himself, he said, "Today, you shall be vanquished!", with stoic finality.
"Just try it!!!" the Goliath Ferret screamed as he pulled his fist back, arming his strike.
MaGyver the Great turned towards Pilgrim, opened his mouth, and pulled something out.
The Goliath Ferret, with fists hurling towards the man, instantly froze in his tracks as MaGyver held up a glistening, nameless can.
The ferrets mouth started quivering, and he mumbled gibberish.
"Be purified!" MaGyver shouted.
Suddenly there was a great light that appeared and enveloped the two of them (Pilgrim also). The townsfolk turned from the light and backed away. The light grew in intensity, and then in a flash, disappeared. Little sparkles filled the air.
"What is that?" people asked. "I just saw the Goliath Ferret standing there, but I don't see him anymore! There is something else there!"
"Wait...wait, that IS the Goliath Ferret!"
Before MaGyver and Pilgrim the Armadillo backpack stood the ferret, but not as he had been known. The mud pit was gone, replaced by a flat, clean surface below him. The ferret was no longer dirty and in place of his dull grey coat was a smooth, shiny silver-streaked fur with flakes of pure beauty.
"I don't understand", the ferret said in exasperation. "What just happened? I feel 10...no 50...no 1000 times stronger, cleaner, more durable! I feel happy now, the kind of happy that helps little kids with their homework and old ladies across the street!
"What did you do?!" the ferret exclaimed.
Magyver came up to the Goliath Ferret, who still towered over him. He reached up and put his hand on the ferret's shoulder and said, "In time, you will know. For now, follow me, for I feel there is a great task at hand, and I must deliver this precious item against a ruthless enemy, for the sake of the whole world."
The ferret lowered his head, and said to all witnesses in attendance, "Today, my soul has been touched by a stranger and a weird rat backpack thing. I will no longer be known as Nasto the Dull, but shall be reborn as Flake the Durable!!" The townspeople cheered, and soon the two of them were on their way, heading out to meet their destiny.
Story continues...
. I broke up the story with pictures (hopefully pictures are OK) to keep everyone's brain from going into autopilot. Enjoy!
