As good a place as any to resurrect this...sorry...
Tool Definitions:
1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
freshly painted part you were drying.
2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you
to say, "SH**!!!"
3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.
4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.
5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
6. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else
is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat
to the palm of your hand.
7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the
ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping
the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an
automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially
Douglas fir.
12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has
another hydraulic floor jack.
13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool
for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog feces from
your boots.
14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt
holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the
tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.
16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying
tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on
the end without the handle.
17. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes
called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine
vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health
benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at
about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during,
say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be
used, as the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips
screw heads.
20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-
burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed
air that travels by hose to a Pneumatic impact wrench that grips
rusty bolts last tightened 70 years ago by someone at Ford, and
rounds them off.
21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip
or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer now-a-
days is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not
far from the object we are trying to hit.
24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, and
plastic parts.
