I always knew I was different than my litter mates. While the other pups spent their days mud-wrestling armadillos on the farm where I was born, I spent my time dreaming of the day I would get to wear a Swarovski crystal bedazzled collar. The other dogs enjoyed the simple life. Sure, I appreciated the occasional pink flamingo stuffed squeaker toy, but deep down I knew there was something more for me out there.
After many days of giving my pirate-****** mother the stink eye for exposing me to such a life, I decided to take matters into my own paws. Some would say I was a pilgrim of types; I like to describe myself as determined. Destined for a life of daily massages and long naps on pillows fluffier than marshmallow peeps, I devised a plan that would land me in the big city.
It was well known to us pups that our food was picked up each and every week from Dallas. The farmer and his wife drove into town early Monday morning to pick up supplies and kibble, creating a perfect exit strategy from my life on the farm.
As sneakily as the Tooth Fairy, I climbed into the backseat of the pickup truck one Sunday evening. Nestled tightly under the cab in the backseat, the farmer and his wife were completely unaware of my presence. At one point on the trip, I was sure my cover was blown. My dinner from the night before hadn't settled well, if you catch my drift, creating a rather unpleasant aroma in the vehicle. I was mortified. Luckily the farmer determined the smell to be related to fresh fertilizer in a nearby pasture.
After what seemed like days, we arrived in Dallas. I kept my position underneath the seat waiting for the perfect moment to escape. The puppy gods must have been looking down on me that day, because the farmer's wife asked if they could make a quick stop at Nordstroms so she could pick up her favorite lip gloss. Hearing the word Nordstroms was like music to my ears.
Every city dog knows that Nordstroms is full of women who can’t resist a cute puppy. This was my chance. When we pulled up to the Nordstroms parking lot, the farmer and his wife were both distracted by the words “SALE” splattered across the windows. I took this as my opportunity to escape.
Just as quickly as I left that vehicle, I was on the search to find a new one. I scanned the parking lot looking for the best looking vehicle. I saw an Audi TT with the sweetest looking blonde girl getting out of it. I ran her way, gave her the best sad puppy eyes I could make, and the rest is history.
My days are now nearly perfect. I wake each morning to a million kisses from my owner, spend my afternoon watching MaGyver dodge flamethrowers and diffuse bombs with nothing but a swingline stapler on tv, and end each day with a homemade meal.
I have almost everything I could have hoped for. My collar is the shiniest collar on the block, my pillows are the fluffiest pillows one could find, and my home is the nicest in the neighborhood… or so I thought.
Recently, during my morning jog, I passed by a neighbor dogs house. A strange smell lingered in the air. After a few short barks, I learned that the neighbors master had recently installed new Epoxy-coat premium flooring in their garage. Jealousy instantly sunk in. My home would now have to settle for second best on the block. Something had to be done! I had to act fast.
In a fit of rage, I ran into the neighbor's garage and immediately urinated all over the floor. I then proceeded to get sick, multiple times, until the floor was practically covered. I showed him.
My owner was disgusted and extremely apologetic for my actions. But, much to my surprise, the neighbor was not upset or even angry.He simply took a hose, sprayed some water, and the mess was easily cleaned up. How could this be?
Amazed by the simplicity of the clean up, my owner inquired about the new flooring. After a quick discussion, we decided we needed an Epoxy Coat floor in our garage.
Some may call my actions drastic, or even dramatic, but in my mind I just did what I had to do. I left the farm to find the perfect life, the perfect home, and the perfect garage. If anyone tries to mess with that, watch out.
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