TOOLS EXPLAINED BY AN ENGINEER
To the initiated, the workshop can be an intimidating place, full of tools
you may not know what to do with. To help, here's a helpful explanation of
common tools and their uses.
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer
across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you
had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench
with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned cleco
calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh sh|t!"
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old
age.
SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into
major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing
else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES:
Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDER:
Device used to firmly attach Vise-Grips to frame and bracket. Source of
intense heat to ignite unseen flammable materials
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on
fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the
bearing race out of.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your
new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bum per.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:
Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack
handle.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in
bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can
after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
1" DIAMETER X 24" LONG PIPE:
A tool for turning ratchet wrenches into free spinning devices. Also handy
for removing all the skin from ones knuckles.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to
disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.
ENGLISH WHEEL:
Large C-framed device for turning perfectly flat steel into wrinkled scrap
that does not stack well in the trash can
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed
to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object
we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered
to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and
rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but
only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling
"DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool
that you will need.
Thought you guys might get a kick out of that.
To the initiated, the workshop can be an intimidating place, full of tools
you may not know what to do with. To help, here's a helpful explanation of
common tools and their uses.
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer
across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you
had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench
with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned cleco
calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh sh|t!"
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old
age.
SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into
major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing
else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES:
Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDER:
Device used to firmly attach Vise-Grips to frame and bracket. Source of
intense heat to ignite unseen flammable materials
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on
fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the
bearing race out of.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your
new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bum per.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:
Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack
handle.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in
bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can
after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
1" DIAMETER X 24" LONG PIPE:
A tool for turning ratchet wrenches into free spinning devices. Also handy
for removing all the skin from ones knuckles.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to
disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.
ENGLISH WHEEL:
Large C-framed device for turning perfectly flat steel into wrinkled scrap
that does not stack well in the trash can
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed
to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object
we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered
to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and
rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but
only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling
"DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool
that you will need.
Thought you guys might get a kick out of that.
I have read them all before but they still get to me. Might have something to do with certain memories coming afloat. 
