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Best tool related joke

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Bubba Fett

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Shoreline_ said:
I always get a crack at asking helpers who have no mechanical background for that 17/34 wrench. But once in a while I'll get a kid quick with math. And then I say you need to pick a smarter career lol. (Joking)
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I once asked a seasoned Maintenance technician if he had a size like this that I made up. He went into the tool room for about five minutes, and then came out and told me to f-off. It was pretty hilarious.

Also:
1700706263302.png
 
2

2oolhound

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I once was hired by a 30 something female landscaper to help install a large gate and fence. I noticed when she screwed in screws (phillips too) she would hold the screwdriver 30' off axis even though I'd tried to correct her several times. Maybe I'm OCD but that just rubbed me the wrong way. She drilled holes the same way. We needed to counter sink some bolts in wood and I figured we needed a 1 3/8" forstner bit so I sent her to the hardware store to pickup a 1 3/8" foreskinner bit. She didn't say anything when she returned but I've always felt kinda guilty about it.
 
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GeoBruin

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Doesn't work very well typing it out but I used to tell one where a blonde walks into a parts house and asks the guy behind the counter for a seven ten cap. He says he doesn't know what she's talking about and asks if she's sure that's what she needs. She insists that it is and offers to show the man the picture her husband drew for her. She pulls it out of her purse and slaps it down on the counter in front of the man. On the paper is simply a circle a few inches across with "OIL" written in the middle.
 
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Beerhippie

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GeoBruin said:
Doesn't work very well typing it out but I used to tell one where a blonde walks into a parts house and asks the guy behind the counter for a seven ten cap. He says he doesn't know what she's talking about and asks if she's sure that's what she needs. She insists that it is and offers to show the man the picture her husband drew for her. She pulls it out of her purse and slaps it down on the counter in front of the man. On the paper is simply a circle a few inches across with "OIL" written in the middle.
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That was actually something that happened on the live radio show "The Car Guys". Click and Clack (Tom and Ray Magliozzi)were taking calls, apparently sitting across from each other. When the caller asked where to find a 710 cap for her Datsun, one of them wrote it down. The other one looked across the table and broke out laughing. When the first asked why, he turned the paper upside-down. Both spent the next few minutes laughing their asses off. I think the caller hung up, moved to another town and changed her name.

I sure miss those nutcases....
 
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GeoBruin

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Beerhippie said:
That was actually something that happened on the live radio show "The Car Guys". Click and Clack (Tom and Ray Magliozzi)were taking calls, apparently sitting across from each other. When the caller asked where to find a 710 cap for her Datsun, one of them wrote it down. The other one looked across the table and broke out laughing. When the first asked why, he turned the paper upside-down. Both spent the next few minutes laughing their asses off. I think the caller hung up, moved to another town and changed her name.

I sure miss those nutcases....
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RIP Car Talk. My favorite episode was when someone called in to ask about their government vehicle that would run really rough on startup, then smooth out for a while before the engine would shut off completely. The guys asked a couple more questions, including how fast the vehicle was moving, to which the caller responded approximately 17,500 miles per hour.

Anyway, it turned out he was calling from the space shuttle. Classic.
 
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B

Beerhippie

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GeoBruin said:
RIP Car Talk. My favorite episode was when someone called in to ask about their government vehicle that would run really rough on startup, then smooth out for a while before the engine would shut off completely. The guys asked a couple more questions, including how fast the vehicle was moving, to which the caller responded approximately 17,500 miles per hour.

Anyway, it turn out he was calling from the space shuttle. Classic.
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FFS, Timm! Car Talk!
 
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2oolhound

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Clickity Clack the tappet bros. I really looked forward to their show every weekend. I may just score some cd's to listen to out in the shop. Miss em too!
 
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teagueo

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At one of my first jobs, it came up in conversation that someone got "reamed a new *******" for a mistake he made - this sales guy said "well it's better than a rasp!".

Thought it was hilarious when I saw what a rasp looked like lol.
 
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lolaetype

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From: https://www.swapmeetdave.com/Humor/Workshop/Definitions.htm

Automotive: The Right Tool for the Job​
Egan.jpg​
These hilarious automotive tool definitions have been floating around on the Internet for some time now with no credit to the author. Sensitive to such things because people have plagiarized and out-and-out stolen stuff that I've written, I decided to track down the author. Much to my surprise and pleasure, it was none other than Peter Egan, one of my all-time favorite automotive writers. This piece originally appeared in Road & Track, April 1996 in Peter's column, Side Glances. The original column has a half-page introduction and some additional definitions, so I recommend you try to obtain that issue of R&T. It was also reprinted in the book, Side Glances, Vol. 2, 1992-1997 by Peter Egan, published by Brooklands Books Ltd., a wonderfuil collection of 66 or Peter's columns.
Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

Mechanic's Knife: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.

Electric Hand Drill: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Vise-Grips: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Oxyacetelene Torch: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell

Zippo Lighter: See oxyacetelene torch.

Whitworth Sockets: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.

Wire Wheel: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt".

Hydraulic Floor Jack: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trappng the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

Eight-Foot Long Douglas Fir 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

Tweezers: A tool for removing wood splinters.

Phone: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

Snap-On Gasket Scraper: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

Timing Light: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

Craftsman 1/2 x 16-inch Screwdriver: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

Battery Electrolyte Tester: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

Aviation Metal Snips: See Hacksaw.

Trouble Light: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

Phillips Screwdriver: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

Air Compressor: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.

Grease Gun: A messy tool for checking to see if your zerk fittings are still plugged with rust.
 
3

30-30remchester

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Having to work with older men since I was very young, I would get under foot far more than helping. When I became too much of a nuisance, I was given a tape measure and told to get a 2x4. Proudly I would return with the proper length 2x4 but I was told I had gotten a 4x2 and to return with a proper sized board. Kept me busy and out of their hair.
 
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PZ 1

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Beerhippie said:
That was actually something that happened on the live radio show "The Car Guys". Click and Clack (Tom and Ray Magliozzi)were taking calls, apparently sitting across from each other. When the caller asked where to find a 710 cap for her Datsun, one of them wrote it down. The other one looked across the table and broke out laughing. When the first asked why, he turned the paper upside-down. Both spent the next few minutes laughing their asses off. I think the caller hung up, moved to another town and changed her name.

I sure miss those nutcases....
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That sounds like it was set up. And with those two the probability would be high.
 
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Modern Garage

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Along the lines of the "7-10 cap" I received a call to make an appointment for an oil chnge on a "Pontiac Gooley". I had the caller repeat the car name three more times and didn't know quite what to expect, but if it was a Pontiac I likely had the corrct oil and filter on hand.
The next afternoon he came driving up right on schedule with his...

...Pontiac 6000 LE.

Joe
 
M

milkovich

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Akron Ohio
My Grandpa used to call a hammer a "swing press" and it still cracks me up every time think about it. My wife's uncle who was a finish carpenter his entire life helped us renovate our kitchen and I loved the standard carpentry jokes he'd mumble under his breath all day. "Damn it! I cut the board twice and it was still too short." I wish I could remember half of them.
 
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atch

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bonneyman

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In my 20's I worked at an optical lab making eyeglasses. They always used to trip up noobies if a lens was ground too small. They'd send them to the tool room and tell them to ask for a "lens stretcher"! lol
 
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MiteyF

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Modern Garage said:
Along the lines of the "7-10 cap" I received a call to make an appointment for an oil chnge on a "Pontiac Gooley". I had the caller repeat the car name three more times and didn't know quite what to expect, but if it was a Pontiac I likely had the corrct oil and filter on hand.
The next afternoon he came driving up right on schedule with his...

...Pontiac 6000 LE.

Joe
Click to expand...

My mom had a Fiat Spyder in high school/college. She saw one of her classmates at a gas station one day, and the girl came over and said to her, "OH! I thought your car said Fat, but it says FLAT!"
 
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