So here is some deep ****......
Now is when I start to learn about my real self, I don't think i ever knew myself (not even a little bit). I am pretty sure that I have been using other people's goals as my own, I have done lots of things that were unimaginable (when I look back on them) just to retreat from a perceived horror. This thread has been a journey, but I think it was more of a lost, aimless trek into unknown territory. While I was trying to find my lost pictures, I found that the files and the "stuff" I have kept is mind boggling. I have spent more time shuffling the unimportant, all in an attempt to avoid reality, only popping up long enough to catch a breath, then submerging again until I can't hold on anymore. This vicious cycle has lead me by the hand for most of my life, even now, fully aware of what is going on the pull is so great that I can hardly do what is needed to make life work. I try hard, but it seems to always be in the wrong direction. Admitting all of this is very painful, that damn ego is truly the enemy of all. Even the title to this thread was so ambiguous that it was contributing to my out of control spiral. People keep saying "at least you know you have an issue", well now I need to figure out what to do about it. Instead of having all these goals to finish this, or finish that, I am going to scrap them all and set just one new goal, to start, that is it, clean, simple, needed. I am not sure where this will take me, but it can't be any worse than the last couple of years, besides I think insanity could be defined by reading this entire thread.